My boss has walked in on me more than a few times to catch me ugly cry. He walks in and I smile… as of smiling will distract him from seeing the tears. It’s an automatic reflex. To hide my pain.
I don’t cry as often these days. I try hard to take care of myself and good lord it’s hard sometimes. Most days I feel completely invisible and I can pretend that makes me happier. But it doesn’t. My boyfriend makes me feel more seen than anyone and he’s a thousand miles away.
It’s okay though it’s just what it is. When depression starts to sneak up I notice right away. And I reach out mainly to my boyfriend and say “I don’t have a reason but I am depressed and it hurts”. That hurts him because he hates to see me hurt. And that makes me want to pretend I’m not depressed. We want those we love to be happy.
But here is what happens if you don’t acknowledge depression early. If depression is a puddle you can manage a puddle. It’s small. Easier to clean up. If you don’t acknowledge it, it can quickly become an angry ocean that tries to drown you. You become frantic and you desperately and frantically reach out for a life raft. Support. Love. Connection. Frantic is harder. It’s scarier. It’s messier.
Depression wants to keep you from love. Don’t let it win. When friends are few and support seems too far away remember there is love inside your own breath. Just breathe. Let the love of simple creation in.
In 2017 about 7% of the population over 18 years of age was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Sometimes knowing you aren’t alone helps. That other people talk about it can help you talk about it. So talk to me. Tell me your story. I’ll listen.
I’d like to thank my boyfriend for loving me and always being there to just listen. I’m better because you know not to take it personally.