MEASURING GROWTH

Every year, about this time, I start falling hopelessly into a past that nearly killed me. 2011 was the year I turned 40. It was a pretty strange year in that I was a totally different person than I had been previously. I had lost 100 lbs and had made lots of new friends. It’s…

THE EMPTY SPACE

We were taking pictures. It was a fun night. But with most fun nights where I was hanging out with friends the anxiety was intense. I look at this picture and I see it. That fraction of a second right before the big smile that says “life is good and I am good”. Except I…

ASK FOR IT

I feel like this sometimes. It’s lack of sleep. It’s a butt load of disappointments piling up. It’s a whole lot of tired mind and tired body. And a little bit of self-destruction saying “why try” and “why do you think you deserve good things?” Reality is…. everything is fine when I feel this way.…

NOT SILENT

Silence has a sound If you listen Does it sound like peace Quiet breathing Content thoughts Kind memories Your own heartbeat Or is it loud Electrical humming Chaos echoing A chorus of voices That sound like you? Berating you? Scolding you? Questioning you? And then answering you? Internal silence doesn’t exist And sometimes it asks…

INVISIBLE

It’s hard to explain The nature of things That are invisible Science tries to With measurements With observations Sampling reality By constricting By eliminating Trying to find The reason The basis The foundation That makes An invisible thing True or false But sometimes The invisible thing Is just invisible It doesn’t exist In the place…

YET AGAIN

It’s a fight. Sometimes I freeze Watch the storm come Glued to my spot I know what it brings I know it’s bigger I know it’s stronger I know it’s dark And menacing And that I should run I know too It was inevitable That it would Come back for me And yet I’m frozen…

YOU WILL BREAK… over and over again

Zumba class used to be my happy place. Several times a week I would walk into this class and I’d forget about all the hard things in my life. Fun music, people sweating and laughing. We literally looked like we had taken a group shower when we were done. It felt so good. The instructor…

FREEWILL DESTINY

Maybe it’s destinyThat gently leadsUs into the futureWith invisible handsMore like tentaclesNudging us forwardPulling us backWhen we misstepPunishing usUntil we get it rightMaybe it’s destinyThat covers usUnder blanketsSo dark we can’t seeSqueezing usUntil we can’t breatheCausing us to begFor mercyJust a tiny reprieveFrom the voidIt tortures us withSucking from usPathetic promisesIt knows we won’t keepJust…

CHAOTIC WORRY

I found calm Steady breath A place where The quiet feels… Composed But what if I’m in the eye Of the storm? What if chaos Has just settled Like sand does Waiting for the heat To clash with the cold Inside my brain What if his screams What if his anger What if their words…