MEASURING GROWTH

Every year, about this time, I start falling hopelessly into a past that nearly killed me. 2011 was the year I turned 40. It was a pretty strange year in that I was a totally different person than I had been previously. I had lost 100 lbs and had made lots of new friends. It’s…

LIVING IS A CHOICE

Living is a choice Every single time And it’s been awhile Since I imagined death I wanted to know How the water would feel If I breathed it in I’ve heard it hurts But only for a moment And then I wondered If it would matter If it would hurt anyone And I couldn’t imagine…

THE EMPTY SPACE

We were taking pictures. It was a fun night. But with most fun nights where I was hanging out with friends the anxiety was intense. I look at this picture and I see it. That fraction of a second right before the big smile that says “life is good and I am good”. Except I…

GRRR… JUST EAT BETTER

You know what is annoying? When someone says they have a problem and the response is “just eat better and exercise”. I have a headache.I have depression.I broke my ankle.I have arthritis.I have cancer.I was born with diabetes. “Just eat better and exercise.” Everytime a medical journal posts new findings about a disorder or disease…

THE OTHER TERROR

I remember reading the passage below when I was suffering from depression and thinking how perfectly it described how I felt in the darkest moment of my life. There are terrors you can’t see. I didn’t understand depression until I had it. I had to come face to face with that unseen terror. And it’s…

ASK FOR IT

I feel like this sometimes. It’s lack of sleep. It’s a butt load of disappointments piling up. It’s a whole lot of tired mind and tired body. And a little bit of self-destruction saying “why try” and “why do you think you deserve good things?” Reality is…. everything is fine when I feel this way.…

NOT SILENT

Silence has a sound If you listen Does it sound like peace Quiet breathing Content thoughts Kind memories Your own heartbeat Or is it loud Electrical humming Chaos echoing A chorus of voices That sound like you? Berating you? Scolding you? Questioning you? And then answering you? Internal silence doesn’t exist And sometimes it asks…

INVISIBLE

It’s hard to explain The nature of things That are invisible Science tries to With measurements With observations Sampling reality By constricting By eliminating Trying to find The reason The basis The foundation That makes An invisible thing True or false But sometimes The invisible thing Is just invisible It doesn’t exist In the place…

YET AGAIN

It’s a fight. Sometimes I freeze Watch the storm come Glued to my spot I know what it brings I know it’s bigger I know it’s stronger I know it’s dark And menacing And that I should run I know too It was inevitable That it would Come back for me And yet I’m frozen…

BUNNY LOVE

My daughter begged for a bunny. I’m not a pet person. I don’t need or want the extra responsibility in my life. But… with the pandemic and my daughter only having me to relate to most days I caved. I got her a baby Mini Rex. It took only three days to litter train him.…