Every year, about this time, I start falling hopelessly into a past that nearly killed me.
2011 was the year I turned 40. It was a pretty strange year in that I was a totally different person than I had been previously. I had lost 100 lbs and had made lots of new friends. It’s also the year binge drinking started to get out of hand.
2012 was a slow and constant spiral into what felt like a steady fade into madness. Emotional, paranoid, overthinking, and so anxious and sad I couldn’t sleep. In fact, the night my mind nearly convinced me to commit suicide it had been a good 6 months since I’d had a good nights sleep. I was sleep deprived and running on negative energy feeling powerless to stop a train that no longer had me at the wheel.
It took several years to gather all my pieces back up. To wipe enough of the fog away to see my face clearly in the mirror. It took cutting several people I loved dearly from my life, it took getting a divorce, it took getting sober, it took a stable routine of emotional checks and medicine changes.
Below are pictures I can remember very clearly. The first I was waiting for Zumba class to start. I was just laying down listening to music. I look happy. But this was the beginning of my depression. I listened to music every moment I was awake to try to silence my destructive thoughts. Do I look depressed to you?
The second… the first time I can remember letting my emotions show. End of 2012 and I was desperate to figure out what was wrong with me. I knew I wasn’t okay. I felt crazy.
Now it’s 2021. I’ll be 50 soon. I’m sober. I have a wonderful boyfriend I will marry someday. I have not only one daughter but three who are all so incredibly amazing. And some beautifully patient and kind friends. I feel stable far more days than I feel wobbly.
Omg I worked hard for it too.