I woke up after a long night of tossing and turning. Dreams of self-hate, disrespect, mistrust and betrayal. It felt… familiar. Like the beginning of something I still had control of.

Once I woke I identified the core feelings I needed to work on. Now I’ll work through them and get a nap later. Depression is like mold in that it starts out lurking and growing in dark places. Places you choose not to look. It gathers intelligence and stockpiles all the things you try to avoid so later when you are the most worn out… it can attack you with ALL the things.

Depression is chemical. It’s important to understand it isn’t something you can control with willpower. You can’t just BE happy.

But I believe (only my opinion) avoiding feelings, ignoring thoughts, and not working through issues is like starving yourself to feed the monster. And eventually when it is well fed and strong it will try to… take you out.

Don’t let that happen. You won’t always feel like talking but when you can…you should. Don’t wait until you can’t speak to work through things. And if you can’t speak please find a dr and find the medication you need to get to a place to empty that closet of issues. They need your attention. It’s important. You are important.

You like to torment me

Especially and mostly

When I’m doing well

You find me dreaming

And you light the stage

Playing the parts

Of all my insecurities

And writing lines

To exacerbate my fears

You call me out

All my hypocrisy

All my half intentions

My guilty pleasures

My shameful wants

You pick on my fat

On my scars, my ideas

And on the mold

Growing in my brain

Wait! What mold?

And you point

At the spreading

The blackening

The decaying rot

And it has a voice

It’s your voice

Not mine

You are the bully

The deep dark

I am the dreamer

That can and will

Wake to the light