So many sad things happen to and around us that are completely out of our control.  Parents getting older and having health issues, we are getting older having our own health issues, parenting woes, war, violence, financial worries, safety concerns, abuse, neglect.  The list is endless.

I also know there are some beautiful and amazing things on the flip side. A child’s smile for instance. Or the incredible feeling of having someone spontaneously sings to you.  Or how about being “in love”.   It can be as simple as a well made cup of coffee or having time to read a good book in a cozy spot.  These are just a few that come to mind but they are also endless.

Why then does depression make all of those things seem apart from us?

Why does depression keep us locked inside its castle and demand we stay inside?  It keeps whispering you are worthless. It lets you peek outside and give you enough evidence to measure just how worthless.

Depression feels so selfish and to avoid looking selfish we ignore its existence.  We keep trying to hide the echoing words of self-hate under the floorboards in our heart.

I see things around me that make me feel worthless, I find things to substantiate my claim.  And I miss all the evidence to the contrary.  My insecurity hides fairly well behind a well rehearsed smile but I can feel myself slowly exposing her and some day I will be free of her.


I don’t want to talk

Not about her

My insecurity

She is whiny and mean

And strong and selfish

The nastiest part of me

Things whirl by

And she catches them

In the corner of her eye

I don’t understand

The why’s anymore

She just controls things

Tries to fill in everything

She disguises herself as logic

She is the creator of words

Setting Trigger Warnings

Like traps with steel teeth

Spring loaded, waiting to wound

In the darkness, unexposed

Whispering things like

You can’t write

You’re not smart

Not interesting or pretty enough

And as soon as I put pen to paper

“This is shit” she screams

‘You are shit” she declares

She controls everything

She is an evil little bitch

And I am tired

Of fighting to become

What she feels is enough

So I am writing this “shit”

Against her advice

And exposing her anger

Her ugly insides


I don’t want to talk about it

I just want her

To go fly a fucking kite




  1. This is a true intimate look at depression, I think. Yesterday, my therapist and I had discussed my lack of being vulnerable, and I think there is some element of trying to avoid the depression I know I am experiencing. And yet, you seem to capture it so well here.


  2. You are THE Shit and we love you for you! The good, the bad, the ugly (which you could NEVER. be) and the REAL! Everyone’s real has a little bit of something they don’t want or are not proud of but it is part of the total package! We are all a complex mix but as long as we try and let the good shine through most of the time, then we can admit we are human but we can still be beautiful, to ourselves and to those around us!


  3. I want her to go fly a fucking kite too. There’s that though, right? I mean that you can see her and want her to fuck off. ❤


  4. But the fact is that you aren’t nothing… you are something… you aren’t worthless… you have worth… so if you don’t listen to people who lie to you, why the hell would you listen when your own head lies to you???????


  5. Very poignant words to describe the person inside that triggers depression. I think we all have that inner being at times just waiting to take over. Just need to keep it trapped away or kicked out as you stated. Depression sucks.


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