YOU WILL BREAK… over and over again

Zumba class used to be my happy place. Several times a week I would walk into this class and I’d forget about all the hard things in my life. Fun music, people sweating and laughing. We literally looked like we had taken a group shower when we were done. It felt so good.

The instructor became my best friend and we began doing all the things my husband at the time didn’t want to do. Movies, shopping, dancing, and eventually parties. It seems if you hang out with someone half your age you start acting half your age. For a time… I had a blast.

I lost 100 pounds doing his brand of Zumba. I was confident for the first time in my life. Until the workouts, the barely eating, the drinking too much, and the never sleeping almost killed me. My friendships started to become toxic and I thought my heart was breaking but… it was my brain.

I wasn’t feeding it any fat. I wasn’t letting it get any sleep. And I was drowning it with alcohol two or three times a month. Maybe more… I don’t remember. It has now all become a blur.

It’s been 8 years since I crashed and burned. It’s taken that long to overcome the damage I had done to my brain, my body, and my heart. It’s been 6 years since I got sober. It’s been a bit over 5 years since my ex and I separated.

I learned a few things.

With love there is also pain. The greater the love the greater the pain.

Sometimes walking away from someone is the most loving thing you can do for them and for yourself.

You will break but you will heal. You will do this over and over again.

Zumba was my happy place once. Tonight I put in the Zumba dvd we created in 2011 and I danced. Without tears. Without pain. And maybe… after all this time I’ll find my love for it again.

Now… if I can only get up off the floor.

6 thoughts on “YOU WILL BREAK… over and over again

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