I am not a social person. I pretend to be sometimes if I need to, in fact, many of my closest friends don’t realize that when I excuse myself it is, more often than not, to calm myself down. All it takes is one moment, one word, one look the wrong way, and my mind is off spinning anxious tales inside my mind. Anxiety is the cheerleader and insecurity is the audience.
I wish I wasn’t this way. I dream of being out having fun without a moment, and there is ALWAYS a moment, where I am holding desperately on to reality without my insecurities interfering. I started to tell my best friend how I felt once, how being out was about to cause a full blown panic attack. I wrote about that night here . I needed to leave, so I left alone.
I don’t fit in and instead of being a part of the crowd I am a clumsy piece of dust sticking to the edge of a puzzle. I use moments of disappointment and turn them into sharp and deadly weapons that are swift in defeating any good thoughts about me. I am a warrior. I am the enemy.
My friends will say so many supportive things, some try to fix me, some offer advice, and some are at a loss for words, and some simply just love me for who I am. I am grateful for them because without them I would just be another victim of self-defeat.
Most of the time my friends are just blurry images I can’t make out, and their words are a foreign language I can’t understand. But sometimes, when the enemy is quiet, I remember the words of encouragement and I can see the smiles clear as day. Most times, it is my daughter’s laughter that will lull the enemy to sleep. These are the moments that make my life worth living.
Recently, I agreed to be a part of the SisterWives blogging initiative. To be a part of this amazing group I will need to fight a few emotional battles. My sincere hope is that I won’t scare them away with my awkwardness, that they will survive my momentary melt downs, my constant self-doubt. I am not even sure why I decided to write this other than I felt a need.
I am a tornado that has made a home in the clouds and I live in fear of the moments I might touch down.~HastyWords