It was late…
I was home, had my game face on and was trying my best to be a wife and mom. I had gone to a festival with my family, met some friends there, and had a good time. On the sidelines though taking up space in my head were some insecurities brewing. In reality I wasn’t living in the present and I missed out on enjoying my family.
A conversation I had earlier in the day triggered this storm to revisit (I mentioned in my last post). It rolled in fast and hard because the last storm hadn’t completely disappeared yet. The conversation was logical, the circumstances normal, the result was innocent. I will stop here because this blog is about me and not the people that get ensnared in it. I will just say what I put my friends through was unfair and I ended up not being the friend I try so hard to be. I was selfish, insecure, hurt, and angry. I ended up blaming someone I care about for a problem that wasn’t theirs. Worse I keep trying to justify my actions.
I texted my anger and feelings out to the parties involved. The communication was a mixture of two different sides of me fighting for dominance. I am there for you whatever you decide….I hate what you decided. I want to be there for you….why are you not there for me? I know you love and care about me…..why am I not important enough? I am here for you…..I can’t be here for you. I pushed them both away, helpless to know what to say or do, and was left alone.
My family was asleep, and I sat crying. The longer I cried the lonelier I felt. I thought of my family and how they would be better off without all my nonsense. I thought of my friends and wondered if they really did care. I thought about my brain and how unstable it was and had hope among the despair that it would pass. I decided I needed professional help. These thoughts were going nowhere good and I was the only one that knew I needed help. I woke my husband up and asked him to take me to a hospital and he laughed and pulled me into a hug to sleep. To be fair he was asleep, and I am normally really good at hiding my inner turmoil. But not tonight, tonight it was leaking out in all my communications. I got up and left to cry alone on the stairs.
HASTYWORDS 
“The conversation was logical, the circumstances normal, the result was innocent.” i know that feeling – a comment made, or sometimes not made, meant innocently can trigger a dark episode later. the person concerned never intended any hurt, might not even remember what they said or didnt say, but irt doesnt lessen the effects.
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i am terrible for rethinking and rethinking the past over and over, convincing myself of things that my logical self knows isnt true. but logic goes out the window at times doesnt it?
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Keep this in mind: 5%. 5% of people you run across will absolutely hate your guts. 5% of the times you have will suck mightily. 5% of the thoughts you have, the decisions you make, the things you say and do, will be ridiculous, hurtful and wrong.
And then accept that.
When you have bad feelings, just think “This must be part of that 5%. It’s normal and will be over soon.”
I think part of it is that you can’t be all things to all people. You have to disappoint them sometimes. Around 5% of the time, let’s say. Don’t worry! From now on, when you start to worry, think of me in a clown costume with flippers and a tutu, hands on hips, finger wagging at you, tsk tsking you.
I apologize for the quality of this advice.
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I hope so. Oh, by the way, in return, 5% of people will love you to pieces, and 5% of your life will be magical unicorn rainbow glitter times! That’s how it works.
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You know that song “Girlfriend in a Coma” by the Smiths? Sing that in your head when you get depressed, only change it to “Hotspur in a tutu, I know, I know, it’s serious”
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You are in my mind!!! It is as if you are articulating my feelings! Good luck!
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Good luck to you too! I have a feeling it is more common than I know.
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😦
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I see… I’ll continue with the journey through your story, hoping for good end…
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I mean: “happy end”…
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The blessing of you, friend, is that you have those other thoughts, the rational ones, the ones that let you see your need, your sickness, and the love that surrounds you. You are blessed though there are times that seems furthest from the truth.
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