I have had time to reflect on my lastest posts and the comments they inspired. Even though my previous posts were born out of lonely thoughts they ended up sparking conversations in my head that didn’t feel nearly as lonely. I am thankful at this moment for those who took the time to comment. If I have learned anything over the past few weeks it is that every moment counts and while friends and family are important it is how we decide to spend our own moments that matter the most. I have been unusually negative with my perspective on life lately and that isn’t what I want for myself or what I want to impart onto those I love. Negativity will always exist in the natural order of things and may threaten to bury us, but positivity will keep us striving for those things that keep us from the grave. Look to the moon and the stars, to the sun, to the heavens above and enjoy the positivity they share when you can no longer find them where you stand. Afterall, if you look and listen long enough you can hear all the distant voices converge in united song to fill our hearts with hope when all else fails.
The following is a synopsis of the meltdown I had leading me back to life.
At first I lie quiet in the dark, unaware of where I landed, unaware of what surrounds me, aware only that time is letting me be. For awhile I listen to my mind scream in between the beats of my ragged heart. Accusations that stem from past actions, hurts, heartaches, complaints, trying hard to pinpoint the source of all this painful negativity. And then suddenly it is if my mind takes a breath and whispers, “ok…that’s it….I’m done.” Done? my heart responds. What does that mean? My mind simply stops, not responding, numb, tired, broken. I am not sure how much time passes that I lie in the grass listening to this internal exchange but eventually the only thing left to listen to is the beating of my heart…slow…but steady. I take account of my senses and realize the air smells like summer, it is windy but cool…..oh good my body is still alive. I hear birds deep in conversation in the distance and a lone cricket. I hear voices nearby and the sound of my daughter laughing. I had friends over that night, we went for a walk, we talked, we remembered, we laughed. Why can’t I enjoy it? Why are they so close but so far away? My heart skips a beat as if to say, “I’m sorry”
My heart likes to hide, to build walls. Slowly the thoughts start to wake up my mind. I finally found the source. I built a wall to protect myself from all the external negativity; but the darkness that lives within me, that grows defiantly and angrily inside me, wasn’t able to escape. My heart; an inadvertent traitor. I finally open my eyes to take in my surroundings. The night sky is lit above me, shadows of loved ones are looming nearby. I look at the stars and the moon and let the positivity of their existance…of my existance…break down the wall I so easily created. For the first time in a long time I am beginning to remember that I am not alone, I am a part of existance….I am a part of creation.
A friend plops down next to me and begins a comfortable and peaceful conversation with me. I don’t remember the words spoken but they were full of love and friendship. We looked at the stars, at the night sky at the universe far beyond our words. It was looking at the infinite darkness I realized it was the bits of bright light that gave the darkness meaning. That is the image I want to project….from darkness…there is light. That is what I want my thoughts to ignite in my heart…bright shining light! So here and now I tear down the wall and let loving memories and hopes and dreams storm my heart in a full out attack. Bring my heart back into the present. If I am going to live life bright I will need my heart and my mind acting in unison again!