Desiccation cracks, dry
Weary and deep, dark
Fill with blood, rust
Swollen windows, running
It’s raining again, bloody
A pile of razors, tears
As pain fades, into
Drying sad skin, jagged
Small little roadmaps, fissures
Self damaged, eroding
NOTE: I have been known in the past to self harm. It wasn’t often and only when the pain of depression felt unbearable. I remember laying in bed crying and pleading with my brain to just go to sleep. Trying to convince myself tomorrow would be better.
I got up to rally my spirit and wash my face and I accidentally broke a small glass tray. Normally, self harm for me was never a compulsion it was an opportunity that presented itself. Like the flat iron was already hot and waiting, I have to reach in and pull cookies out of a hot oven, or I just broke a glass item.
I picked up the glass and scratched it across my arm. It felt good. It was distracting the pain in my head. Again, just a scratch deep enough to spring tiny little drops of blood to the surface. A little harder. Not a wound, just a scratch but enough that blood slowly flowed into the cracks of my dry skin. I feel asleep wondering at that.
It’s completely NOT how one should deal with pain. I’ve learned better ways. But I had to understand why I did it in order to deal differently.
I think maybe self harm can become an addiction if one doesn’t get help. If you cope or self sooth that way I hope you talk to someone and find a better way that nurtures instead of harms you.
HASTYWORDS 
Reminds me of
when I tried to commit suicide
I’m soo glad now that I didn’t cut deep enough but then again I tried to but couldn’t…..
I Thank God for this new life
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I’m so glad you didn’t succeed. New days and perspectives ahead
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I remember watching some of my schizophrenic clients smoke, the long, deep drags of heavy smoke, inhalations that Cheech and Chong would envy. I think it was, at least in part, that kind of distraction. The sheer physicality of it somehow a relief from whatever was going on in their minds. And others with other diagnosis doing self-harm, or exercising to exhaustion, whatever they found that worked. I’m glad you found better ways.
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Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
HASTY – Fighting pain with pain
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We often needed to, find the outlet of the pains we feel on the inside, to let it all come out, because, carrying them became, simply way too, burdensome, that’s why we mutilate our selves, because the pains are so deeply within us, and we need to get them all, outside, and we feel, that we’re, relieved of the mental pains, mental distresses, once the blood started, flowing out…and all of it pointed to the undealt with trauams of our lives…and until we can deal with the traumas of our lives, we will, always keep on, repeating the cycle of cutting ourselves, getting hospitalized into the mental wards, because they believe we’re, “suicidal”, when in reality, we just wanted the pains we’re experiencing inside, to burden us less.
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