THE DIRT SHIFTS

#OctPoWriMo2018

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I am dedicating October to the reason I started my blog.  Depression.  It’s the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with.  It is still the scariest thing I have to deal with.

Depression is a constant.  It will never go away.  It snuck up on me.  I was always anxious but depression… well it caught me off guard and took me on the scariest ride I’d ever been on.  I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t handle my emotions.  Why I couldn’t JUST be happy.  Why I couldn’t JUST snap out of it.  Why I couldn’t JUST get over it.

After all, I had managed to JUST get over a rape 20 years earlier.  The truth was… you don’t get over those things but your brain and body have a way of erasing things so it seems like you are managing.  But really you are just burying little land mines in your brain that will explode every time they get stepped on.  And sometimes you never even realize what the heck happened or why.

Depression is different… you can’t JUST anything with depression.  It is a complete rewiring of your brain.  Imagine Darth Vader steps into your brain and decides he is going to rewire a few things and the death star is now trained right on destroying you.  And instead of using the energy of a billion suns to zap you it will use your own self deprecation to destroy you.  It will use your own voice.

Depression is constant.  It will never go away.

But you are here for a reason… don’t let Darth Vader win.

 

The dirt shifts in my brain
The sand still sifts soft
Through the glass slowly
I can feel it filling the bowl
I am on borrowed time
I should have been dead
Had it not been for you
That’s a lot to put on you
I know, I am sorry
But for some reason
For some truth unknown
You are the reason
I am trying to figure out
Why?
I was given more time
And I’m not sure
The grave I’ve dug in my brain
Will ever allow me to see
What life was supposed to be

 

 

16 thoughts on “THE DIRT SHIFTS

  1. Such an evocative poem, and so many to whom it could be dedicated…I’m just still not sure we ever get the ‘should have been’, or even to know what could have been. One of those unfathomables.

    Glad you’re writing again ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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