There are triggers, even today, more than 20 years later that create an uncontrollable reaction.
When triggered I become some strange Quinton Tarantino character acting in one of his famous satirical non-linear story lines. I just want to beat my head against the wall until all I feel is the wall’s unmovable strength and all I hear is silence.
Emotional wires get crossed, my blood pumps harder, my breath quickens, and I want to run away from everything. It can be hearing the wrong person’s voice at the wrong time, passing someone who looks like someone else, old heartaches resurfacing in the most mundane of things… a picture, a song, a phrase.
Or maybe it’s a person who makes me feel safe and then they do something (it can be intentional or unintentional) and I don’t feel safe anymore.
It always comes down to one thing… a sense of betrayal.
It is that sense of betrayal that underlies everything wrong about me.
No matter how far I run some feelings never stop finding me. Although I have made progress, I am still not strong enough to face my demons head on.
I felt the betrayal
Crawl across my skin
A disease that killed
The person I could have been
Your eyes were black
Beacons of darkness
Drilling holes heart deep
The hatred you felt
Shredding my dignity
Into blood stained ribbons
Smiling at the
Smeared blemishes you left
Laughing in fact
At my absurd gullibility
A reminder to me
That trust is a mystery
That evil resides
In clever smiles
It cloaks itself
In pretty words
I am angry
That you are the one
I see in everyone else’s eyes
If I don’t keep fighting
My gravestone will read:
You are the one
I let destroy me
HASTYWORDS 
Once upon a time, the term trigger was associated with guns. (this is my perception based on my experience). With that said, it almost feels like life is a game of Russian roulette. I never know when the next trigger will set off the fatal bullet.
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Exactly, innocent assassins everywhere
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I personally try not to use certain metaphors in my writing or comments – particularly touchy subjects, basically because i do not do well with confrontation and i just try to be sensitive to people’s feelings and beliefs. i was a bit reluctant to use this comparison, but i was thinking about it the other day. The word trigger is becoming as commonplace as using the other ‘difficult to handle’ words. On one hand, I think this is a good thing – it raises awareness/compassion/empathy, but on the other hand, I believe it desensitizes it. I really have no idea what it is am trying to get at right now – i guess i have a thought and i am letting it out. sorry ’bout that. i suppose I am looking at life as living on a shooting range and i am doing my best to dodge the sharpshooters and snipers the best i can. xxxx
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No … I get it. Its an overused word but truely a very susinct word in its meaning. It is as if someone literally shoots you and produces a survival reaction. In most cases its a latge over reaction but in our mind its not…we were shot.
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you can always hang out at my shooting range – i demand the use of rubber bullets only:) {i am trying to make you laugh…}
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Can we just throw cream pies at carboatd faces? That sounds delicioys
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cream pies will make their way to my ass (even if i do not eat them – it is like mysterious fat absorption). hey – I got a dog…… stinky but effective:)
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I cant type lol
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LOL seriously sometimes I think my fingers are drunk.
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When people betray you, they do it on a level that causes them more hurt than it should you. They were disloyal or cruel to you, and damaged a part of you, but destroyed a part of themselves. Unless, that is, you let what they did continue to haunt you. But do you think they were thinking of you or themselves when they did it? If an emotion has to last this long after heartache, let it be anger at them, not despair for yourself. I mean, neither would be even better… but if you have to pick one…
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I think there is lots of anger…I think it is the fact I feel anger at all that really upsets me. Why can’t I just not feel anything? That would be so awesome and save me so much grief.
It really is absurd how the strangest things will get to me. I mean literally I could be laughing, smiling, having a great time and ONE tiny thing will derail me. I don’t understand. I need to understand so it doesn’t keep happening.
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You can’t reason with emotions. But it is better to have too many than none…
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sigh, I get it. (hugs)
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What a deeply profound piece of writing. I love this in it’s raw but complex look inside the soul.
And I bet so many people could relate to this.
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I totally relate to this!
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Reblogged this on 58 Day Dreams and commented:
I am very picky as to what I re-blog. This post struck a chord in me! I’m sure I’m not the only one who can relate to this. Check it out.
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That’s harrowing and made my skin crawl. I also immediately assumed guilt (because that’s what I do).
But again, you stun with the utterly relatable and very real of a hair trigger and suddenly being completely, utterly derailed. Hate when that happens. Hate more that it’s happened to you.
*crosses fingers and hopes she isn’t culpable*
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Wow I can so relate to this post. Sending you HUGS <3.
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💜
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What a powerful post. Triggers fire a bullet in a split second, with the same quickness a brain trigger fires a compulsive switch. Amazing post. Thank you for sharing.
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I’m very much like you. Something happens, and it sets off a whole chain of emotions in a matter of seconds.
I feel like we’re at the effect of too many outside events that we can’t control. Or, at least I am. It feels like being a pinball bounced around in a machine. I’d like to get a stronger foundation and stay more balanced. Less at the effect of outside events.
Beautifully expressive poem.
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I know you know exactly how I feel. It is maddening.
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sharp words,
powerful sentiments in your poem,
love the feel of how a skillful writer brings her readers to the stage…
keep it up.
🙂
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Beautiful comment. Thank you.
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Powerful expression to the point of anger,”to see him in everyone”..Warm regards.
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Come back up to Boston, and I’ll take on those demons for you, or at least be there with you through it. Or, you can simply call me anytime.
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