I am really posting this because I am curious. I have been writing a story I have in my head. I am not a writer and I don’t really know the first thing about doing it correctly. I would love to know what you think about this small piece. It happens to be the last thing I wrote today so you won’t really understand the story but I hope it is at least interesting to read for the excerpt it is. Does it make you want to read more or are you so bored you couldn’t read the whole piece? Be honest!
My heart is pounding; I am frantically trying to piece together everything I just saw in my head. It was in my head wasn’t it? Lydia is watching me, eyes wide with a thin layer of tears accumulating on the surface. She looks like she knows what I saw but I don’t understand it couldn’t have been real. She cautiously reaches for my hands. “I think there is probably a moment, when we are vulnerable, that darkness could seize any of us and bend us to its will. This is why I pray, I pray to keep the darkness away. I pray the demons don’t decide to wear me like a suit and play.” What? What is she saying? Those monsters were real? I shake my head willing her to stop because I can’t make my voice work, “What you believe in doesn’t really matter because I can just name it darkness to make my point. You can pray or not pray, scream or not scream, either way for right now it is determined to stay.” I looked up at her hoping she would see that I didn’t want to understand any of this but she continued as she fixed her eyes on some point in the distance, “I was very small the first time darkness frightened me; I was left in an alley with my favorite doll. Well, I guess “left” is a bit of a stretch since the homeless man, Ray, was being paid in Vodka to watch me during my mom’s shift. Anyway, I guess the mobile that hung above my crib was a bit different as I got to watch shadows leaping to and fro, dancing a macabre and menacing dance on the building walls surrounding me. One night I was about to fall asleep watching the shadows perform when darkness decided to visit. The shadows seemed different, not as fluid, more menacing than before. I vaguely remember the shadows sounding insane and very angry. These shadows had wings. It was the first moment I remember seeing them.” Oh God please no! She just described them, the monsters. I pull my hands from her and used them to cover my face. I don’t understand and I don’t care I just want to go back to sleep. Her voice became softer as she continued although my mind wasn’t able to process how she could be so calm. “It wasn’t until later I had discovered the truth about the alley. That night my mom came out the back entrance and found Ray with his throat cut lying next to a woman who had been brutally raped and murdered. She found me lying with my doll in Ray’s box of Vodka bottles.” I felt Lydia stand up and heard her cross the room. I tried my eyes to see if they were going to play tricks on me but everything seemed to be back to normal. Lydia opened up her top dresser drawer and turned back towards the bed. She sat next to me and handed me a doll. “This is Sarah!” Lydia said with fondness. “My mom met a police officer that night that took us in and helped my mom get clean.” She got a big smile on her face then laughed and said, “The officer’s name was Ray.” I have never seen Lydia smile, or laugh, it caught me off guard and for a moment I forgot where we were and what we were doing and I laughed. She is beautiful when she smiles, the boys will never believe me. The thought flings me back to reality, “They will never believe any of this!”
HASTYWORDS 
The whole demon using me as a suit got my attention quick. Is there more?
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Yes….this is maybe an 1/8 of the way through the story. I can see it all in my head but I don’t know how it comes across on paper.
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What I read so far is exciting to me, so I think you’re on to something.
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If I read this as the introduction, I would buy the book!
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Well….that makes me happy 🙂
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🙂
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You’re doing a great job of creating a very intense situation very quickly. So, KEEP going! The demon wearing someone as a suit idea has merit. However, be careful. Watch a couple episodes of the TV show “Supernatural”, particularly the end of Season 1 and the beginning of Season 2. This theme is very prominent in their storyline. You don’t want to mimic what’s already out there. Otherwise, awesome start!
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Thank you…Love the comments. Actually, The theme is much much different and the demons wearing us as a suit is a very small part. But you did give me an idea I can’t wait to see how I can use! 🙂
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Ahaaa…interesting. Yet, the demon wearing human suits is what everyone latched onto…glad my comments helped to jump start your creative engine toward another avenue of ideas! 🙂 Can’t wait to read more…have a good weekend!
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I love your poetry and now it appears i love your prose. Please write and post more 🙂
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technicalities! You have talent – and that can’t be learnt or taught
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MORE! *left hanging* – please don’t waste that talent. Write that book!
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So far very good, but if you could or already have be a bit more descriptive of scenes and characters, I would love to know what the main character saw the first time when sees what is in her mind give more of a visual, like you describe in all of your poems that is the only thing i would suggest and if you are having a conversation between two characters i think that putting each sentence on its own line helps to seperate which character is speaking, but if you really want some advise about writing i would talk to satis he just finished a 27 or 28 chapter fantasy novel and if you want to read it, it is attached to his page. But from the beginning i was hooked very great first time.
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Thank you very much…all very constructive and exactly what I was looking for. Yea, I am excited about the ideas and what she sees. I had a friend tell me to get the idea and story down and then go back and put in more details and descriptions so I am anxious to keep writing!
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you write it and i will read it, with great wonder and enjoyment
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Joining the chorus screaming intense, gripping, wonderful
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Yay…thank you!!!!!!
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Honestly, there isn’t a right way or wrong way to write. It depends on so many things. All I can say is I’m intrigued so far.
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There is a boring way and and exciting way lol. Yes I agree, I am glad you are intrigued…which intrigues me! 🙂
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Well, there are lots of boring ways and lots of exciting ways.
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As usual lovely writing! I look forward to your book. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Life would be less boring.Take a chance on your fabulous talent.
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Keep going – I’m loving it! 🙂
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I really liked it and i know I’d still love the next story. Keep blogging!
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Writers with beautiful blue eyes, write really good! 😀
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Good use of suspense, it did not take any effort at all to read until the end. I am very curious about the next episodes! Just a few things, which could make the story even more ‘real’: try to use all senses. People do not only see, they also hear, taste, smell and feel. What did the alley smell of? When the shadows/monsters dance, do they make any sound? Or no sound at all? You write they story down like a movie, and perhaps it’s a bit of writers etiquette, but giving the reader some impression of what the senses detect draws them even more into the story (so I have been told and noticed). And what someone else already said in one of the above comments, you could add some more descriptions of scene and characters.
Just a writer advising another writer here. Keep it up!
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Perfect thank you. I have already rewritten it due to another friends advice stating it read a bit teenage. I have written about 40 pages a can definitely see how I use seeing more than anything. I think it is because it plays out in my head like a movie but I need to reread. Thank you for this advice it was very useful!!!
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You’re welcome 🙂
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