Hasty & Sage ‘Take it Around Town’: The Balloon Jerk, The Monumental Phallus, & Bending Over in Boston

Here is our day in Boston. The picture of me makes me laugh because I look like Janice the Muppet! I already miss being here.


Here Hasty and I finally document our day in Boston, which took place on Thursday, June 26, 2014.  We each write part of the post, Hasty comes first, then me.  So here it is:


Each time we went somewhere Wifey Sage drove so Sage and I could visit.  Hasty Kid sat in the middle in the backseat and we would have time to talk every time we went somewhere.  Wifey Sage and Sage Jr played the DJ and we got to listen to some good music.

Most of the funny stories happened in the car and I can’t remember really what conversations happened when but I do know that my daughter was shy until someone mentioned Sponge Bob.  She loved finding a group of people who knew and loved Sponge Bob as much as she does.  In fact, at one point they all quoted Sponge Bob by saying “Now take it AROooooUuuND town” with the head movement.  It was funny to witness in person.  HK also randomly kept impersonating Christopher Walken by saying, “HI, I’m Crist-O-fer Waaal-kin”.  Sage Jr and HK were becoming fast friends getting to know each other in the car.

Bring it around town video clip

Once we got to Boston we did the Duck Tour which is an 80 minute tour around Boston and continues into the Charles River.  HK was browsing the pamphlet with all the ConDUCKtors and she pointed to Captain Super Swift and said, “I hope we get him!” and guess who we got.  He was awesome.


By the way, the only two words I think that came out of my mouth the whole trip was Awesome and Amazing.  So yea, everything was either awesome or amazing or both.

All of us got a turn driving the boat. HK kept telling the driver her name was Hasty Kid and he didn’t understand so for the rest of the trip we called her Pasty since that is what he thought she said.  Sage Jr  called her Junior the whole trip.

I am going to let Sage tell everyone about the second part of the day because he is so much better at remembering where everything happened but there are a few events he probably won’t mention.

There was a point in the day that Sage took my daughter to get a balloon animal.  The balloon animal guy was a total jerk but Sage remained so beautifully calm and mature whereas I probably would have decked him or at least popped all his balloons.  Well later I did pop a balloon but it was a balloon fiasco 😦

While walking part of the freedom trial we ran into a group of guys who wanted Sage to sing with them.  They said, “Dude just sing, all we need is a little patience” and then Sage tried to get me to do it and we settled for just snapping for them lol.  They were really good.  We don’t have street performers in OKC so it is really cool to see people out performing whatever it is they are good at.Leaving Quincy market we stopped to watch some break dancers perform.  They picked Sage and a few others to be in their act.  It was AWESOME and we have it on tape but you can’t see it because there is only one handsome guy standing there with 3 beautiful woman waiting for a skinny black kid to do a flying flip over them all.  I am pretty sure if I included it here you would be able to figure out which one Sage was.  My daughter wanted to give them money so she handed one of the performers a $10 and got embarrassed when the guy announced to his friends and the whole crowd that they just got $10 from a rich white kid.  They were all black with a white drummer so they had a lot of fun with the race jokes.
All in all I would say it was a perfect day!


The duck boat was cool because my family had never done it before.  We’ve never really done tourist-y things in Boston before so it was pretty cool to feel like a tourist at times, even so far as holding a map of the Freedom Trail.  The duck boat was the first thing we did, then we went to the Boston Common to locate the beginning of the Freedom Trail.

We were pretty hungry so we were hoping to find a vendor that was selling more than lemonade, just for something quick to hold us off until we got to Quincy Market where all the real food is (there and the North End).  As we were going to the Frog Pond to show it to Hasty we remembered that they sold food there.  The Frog Pond is a wading pool in the Summer and it’s frozen for ice skating in the Winter.  While we were eating there was a homeless guy who was clearly unstable, exhibiting behavior that was somewhat threatening, or just creepy.  There are a lot of homeless people in Boston, many are veterans, it’s very sad.  For the most part they are harmless.  As we passed one, Hasty told him, since he was a veteran, that he should be very proud.  What a sweetheart.

Anyway, this creepy homeless guy was freaking out HastyKid, so while everyone was still eating I offered to take her to the playground.  We got diverted when we saw a guy making balloon animals and I asked HK if she wanted one.  She said yes she wanted a dog.  Hasty was being polite when she said he was being a jerk.  The guy was a fucking asshole.  I used all my strength to bite my tongue, not just because HK was there but because there were other children there, eventually including my son.  After our kids got their balloon animals, I felt like saying, “you know what, fuck you, you’re a fucking asshole, keep your goddamn balloon animals.”  But I held it in until we were walking away when I began muttering, “that guy was a fucking asshole, what an asshole.”  I was saying this aloud within the kids’ hearing, but I had warned Hasty before she came that I use a lot of colorful colloquialisms.  I’m glad Hasty’s perception of this was that I was “beautifully calm and mature.”  I guess that’s what I exhibited while holding my composure.  Good to know.

The fate of the balloons?  HK’s dog – the balloon leash popped on the Swan Boat.  Later the rest of the dog popped, but I forget where and when, I think at a T station.  The T is what we call the subway in Boston.  My son got a bird, which he eventually gave to a little girl once we returned to Alewife to head home.  She asked where we got the balloon animals and we told her mother the Common.  Then my son ran up to them as they were walking away and gave her the balloon.  He is the nicest kid, he blows me away every single day, I’m very blessed.

Ok, then we went to the carousel, and then to the Public Garden onto the Swan Boat.  Here’s a pic of Hasty on the Swan Boat, just before it started pouring, while we were on the boat.

hasty swan boat

After the ride, we ran from tree to tree to avoid the rain.  We did that all the way to Cheers where we went not to eat but so Hasty could see the outside of the bar, a shot used in the TV show.  We went in to the replica bar upstairs and the gift shop where we got rain ponchos, but it didn’t rain again for the rest of the day.  But now I have a couple Cheers ponchos for when I go camping, which is wicked awesome.

After Cheers we began the Freedom Trail. and walked through the Granary Burying Ground, where Hasty and I became very juvenile borderline disrespectful of the site and the dead.  We’re sorry.

…But John Hancock’s monument looks an awful lot like a penis, especially from behind when we first saw it.  The back has no inscription, but this is the front:

john hancock

Then I read allowed the inscription, “This memorial erected… …John Hancock.

john hancock inscription

I’m sorry.  I very openly admit how immature I can be at times.

Anyway, also in that burial ground is the grave of Samuel Adams, who is a Boston icon not just for historical reasons, but also because of the beer, Sam Adams, which is often ordered around here as a “Sammy’s”.  He actually was a brewer in real life.

sam adams grave

And here’s his statue just outside Faneuil Hall and Quincy Market.

sam adams statue

And here he is again with Diane from Cheers.  You know that whole Sam and Diane thing that the show had going on.  I just feel bad for Frasier, he could never compete with that dynamic.

sam and diane and frasier

On the way to Quincy Market is when I was accosted by the street performers, two guys with guitars, telling me they needed me.  I was like, “you need me??”  “Yeah we need you to sing.”  “Me? Sing? noooo.”  When we were driving Hasty and HastyKid to the airport days later, I realized that they might have gotten me to sing if they were going to play Green Day, as I was singing along with “Basket Case”.  I only sing Green Day.  And some Italian songs.

On the way to QM we also got some roasted nuts from a vendor, which are so good, I can’t describe them.  It’s the favorite thing for me and my son to get these nuts.  Five bucks for a tiny bag, but worth it.

At QM, yep I was pulled in to participate with the street performers as Hasty describes above.  It was the last thing we did before heading to the T to get to Alewife for our car to head home.  I don’t know why I didn’t resist participating, but partly I think it was because HK was feeling a little nervous about “not being able to swallow” which turned out to be acid reflux, so I figured that it would help her feel a little better if I got suckered into being involved.  I was just hoping they weren’t going to try and make me dance.  They didn’t.  They just had me and the other three participants bend over in front of everyone so one guy could leap over us.

And that was our day.  It was a wicked good day.

3 thoughts on “Hasty & Sage ‘Take it Around Town’: The Balloon Jerk, The Monumental Phallus, & Bending Over in Boston

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