We are all bully capable.

The problem is some kids and adults are serial bullies.  As a society we want to discourage bully mentality.  Sometimes we don’t do enough and sometimes we do too much.  There are hundreds of stories of people who don’t do enough, but I would like to point out that sometimes we do too much and in doing so we become the bullies ourselves.

There was a little girl, Amy, who had gotten suspended from school.  She was 9.  One of her friends did something mean so Amy told another friend she wanted to just kill her mean friend.  This friend, the one she confided her hurt AND anger,  told on her.  Amy was interrogated the entire day in the school office, in part by an off duty police officer about what she said and why.  She was scared but told the truth and confessed what she said.  She went home at the end of the day in emotional turmoil and confessed to her parents.  The parents didn’t hear from the school until several hours after school had ended.  The parents were told that she would be suspended.

The parents and the child accepted the punishment and asked that Amy and the friends involved have no contact during the rest of the few weeks of school. The only thing her parents gave her permission to say if anyone asked was, “I am not allowed to talk about it” and if her friends tried to talk to her, “I am not allowed to talk to you”. Amy had been punished and had learned her lesson and it was time to move on, but the punishment was not over when she returned to school.  Instead of moving on and helping her get past her mistake it was drilled into her nearly every day.  As if not getting to communicate with her friends was hard enough; her teachers singled her out.

The teacher on recess duty said Amy was terrorizing kids on the playground.  Terrorizing equals asking a boy to hurry up on the swing because another girl had been waiting for awhile.  Amy is now a playground terrorist and labeled a bully. Ironic that she was suspended for not using her words wisely and yet an adult can call a child a terrorist? This made Amy cry every night and she decided to keep to herself the rest of the school year,

For the end of year field trip Amy is made to sit with the teacher on the bus instead of with friends to avoid any situations.  Amy felt isolated since the rest of the kids thought it was funny.  During class if Amy or the other girls even looked at each other across the room Amy was sent out to the hall.  Why not both girls?  Why not just call them both out in class and ask them to keep their eyes to themselves?

I think it is important that teachers learn to use their words wisely, and while I agree punishments need to be swift and fit the crime, it is also important to help a student overcome their mistakes not keep reminding them over and over everyday that they made one.

This story is based on a true story and many facts are left out on purpose for brevity.  I tell this story because being a bully is not just something kids do.  Sometimes just labeling someone a bully can create a bully.  Amy got through the rest of the school year and is doing well.  So far she is not the bully she was made out to be.  I am proud of Amy.

All of us are responsible for our actions; in this case over reactions.  Balance in all things.

Her 9 year old self was

Embarrassed and upset

She was being punished

For something she said

Something she regrets

And wants to take back

She learned about trust

And the power of words

But nobody cares

About the lessons

She’s  learned

Now branded a bully

For defending herself

The world has turned ugly

As she catches eyes staring

Lips whispering and laughing

As she sits alone, friendless

As teachers separate her

Pushing a lesson

Already learned

I hold her as she cries

“Nobody likes me”

“Everyone hates me”

Words my mind has uttered

Far far far too many times

She felt alienated and small

And I was angry

Not at the children

But at the adults

Unintentional bullies

Waging war on our little ones

NOTE: I have the greatest respect for teachers.  I have no tolerance for bullying