So many sad things happen to and around us that are completely out of our control. Parents getting older and having health issues, we are getting older having our own health issues, parenting woes, war, violence, financial worries, safety concerns, abuse, neglect. The list is endless.
I also know there are some beautiful and amazing things on the flip side. A child’s smile for instance. Or the incredible feeling of having someone spontaneously sings to you. Or how about being “in love”. It can be as simple as a well made cup of coffee or having time to read a good book in a cozy spot. These are just a few that come to mind but they are also endless.
Why then does depression make all of those things seem apart from us?
Why does depression keep us locked inside its castle and demand we stay inside? It keeps whispering you are worthless. It lets you peek outside and give you enough evidence to measure just how worthless.
Depression feels so selfish and to avoid looking selfish we ignore its existence. We keep trying to hide the echoing words of self-hate under the floorboards in our heart.
I see things around me that make me feel worthless, I find things to substantiate my claim. And I miss all the evidence to the contrary. My insecurity hides fairly well behind a well rehearsed smile but I can feel myself slowly exposing her and some day I will be free of her.
I don’t want to talk
Not about her
My insecurity
She is whiny and mean
And strong and selfish
The nastiest part of me
Things whirl by
And she catches them
In the corner of her eye
I don’t understand
The why’s anymore
She just controls things
Tries to fill in everything
She disguises herself as logic
She is the creator of words
Setting Trigger Warnings
Like traps with steel teeth
Spring loaded, waiting to wound
In the darkness, unexposed
Whispering things like
You can’t write
You’re not smart
Not interesting or pretty enough
And as soon as I put pen to paper
“This is shit” she screams
‘You are shit” she declares
She controls everything
She is an evil little bitch
And I am tired
Of fighting to become
What she feels is enough
So I am writing this “shit”
Against her advice
And exposing her anger
Her ugly insides
But…
I don’t want to talk about it
I just want her
To go fly a fucking kite
~Hastywords
05/09/14
HASTYWORDS 
Yes to all of this!!! I love your truth and candour so much! ❤️
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lol well I am very passionate about removing this person from my life 😉
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Yes I agree kick her to the curb. She doesn’t need to bully you anymore. Have you tried essential oils? I can recommend some that really help me. 😊
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That evil bitch made her way into my life as well! I keep pushing her down trying to drown her but the louse keeps hanging on to me for dear life! xo
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We need a lynch mob it seems 🙂
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Have you considered scavenger hunts might not be a good thing?
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This is a true intimate look at depression, I think. Yesterday, my therapist and I had discussed my lack of being vulnerable, and I think there is some element of trying to avoid the depression I know I am experiencing. And yet, you seem to capture it so well here.
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I did not see this before, Sunset, and once again you’ve summed up hat voice very astutely. I know I’m in her thrall – her and a couple of others I don’t care to mention. Blech.
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I love this. And you.
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I so wish you could see yourself through the eyes of your friends💗
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You are THE Shit and we love you for you! The good, the bad, the ugly (which you could NEVER. be) and the REAL! Everyone’s real has a little bit of something they don’t want or are not proud of but it is part of the total package! We are all a complex mix but as long as we try and let the good shine through most of the time, then we can admit we are human but we can still be beautiful, to ourselves and to those around us!
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Really good poem! I certainly can relate. Keep the good work. Thank you so much for sharing.
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I want her to go fly a fucking kite too. There’s that though, right? I mean that you can see her and want her to fuck off. ❤
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But the fact is that you aren’t nothing… you are something… you aren’t worthless… you have worth… so if you don’t listen to people who lie to you, why the hell would you listen when your own head lies to you???????
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Very poignant words to describe the person inside that triggers depression. I think we all have that inner being at times just waiting to take over. Just need to keep it trapped away or kicked out as you stated. Depression sucks.
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