I am a mom with a ten year old daughter, who is struggling to raise a strong individual who will also be a compassionate friend. Trust me, it is a balancing act to create confident girls that don’t become over-confident “Mean Girls.” Girls can be downright vicious to their own gender and it is ever more important for women to stand together; however, more often than not, we end up bullying each other into adulthood.
If you have seen Orange Is the New Black, then you have a clear picture of what it looks like to be a girl in the elementary school system (sans the rape and murder, of course). “Mean Girl” mentality is an old epidemic that has evolved into survival of the fittest for our young women today.
Yesterday, I wrote a blog post on cyber-bullies which you can read in full here. Trying to raise bullet-proof little kids who are also kind and compassionate is NOT easy but throw social media into the mix and you no longer need bullet-proof kids – you need blast-proof kids. Social media is like dynamite and our kids have little matchstick fingers. ~Hastywords
And to make it even worse, it isn’t only a war the kids are engaging in, but the parents are wearing full metal jackets and armed with facebook.
It sounds like I don’t like the public school system which isn’t entirely true. My daughter loves going to school. She loves to learn and she loves her friends. I can’t shake the feeling, however, that my daughter is a ponytail prisoner learning how to survive her stay in the elementary system. If she is going to be serving an 8 year sentence then there are a few things I hope she learns on the inside.
Girls learn a lot from their moms, so I try very hard to be a good example but, often times, I am the example of what not to do. If we want our kids to be strong, independent, outspoken, fearless, as well as beautifully kind then they must first learn they are perfectly imperfect just like us. Here are a few things I think we can do as parents to teach our daughters to be great friends.
Pay attention to your daughter. Don’t just direct them to do certain things or tell them what they need to do. Helping them learn to make their own choices will teach them to be responsible adults. Listening to what they think about and engaging them in a thoughtful discussion is always better than just telling them to do something. She is more likely to come to you with her problems at school if she knows you are on her side and have an active interest in her life.
Benefits of being unjealous. Jealousy is a very normal emotion but jealous behaviors can cause all kinds of damage. Being happy for a friend’s success and letting a healthy amount of envy fuel personal desires to be better is an invaluable lesson to learn. Picking up the phone to congratulate a friend when they accomplish something wonderful is a great way to show your daughter how to support others.
Consequences have nothing to do with how much they are loved. For every decision there is a consequence. My daughter knows her choices will have positive and negative consequences and that if she gets grounded it has nothing to do with how much I love her but everything to do with the choice she made. I try to teach her to empathize with others and that she can cause real pain to someone else if she isn’t careful with her choices.
Keep your enemies close but your friends closer. Take the time to get to know the children in your daughter’s life. Ask them what they like and don’t like about their friends. If your daughter has a close friend then it’s time to get to know the parents. I learn a lot just by looking at my daughters instagram with her. She loves to show me what is going on with her friends and you can tell a lot just by the kinds of things they post about.
My daughter has one friend who likes to tell on people. Since we know this we can encourage her not to confide in this friend. Another friend is very aggressive and displays “mean girl” behavior. We don’t limit her exposure but we do help her know what is appropriate and what is not, as well as what she should and shouldn’t allow in their friendship.
Play “what if” games. I have done this with my daughter since she was old enough to talk. It started out with strangers and has evolved into peer pressure type questions. What if a friend says, “Hey I just learned to smoke this weekend and it isn’t so bad, we will try it when you come over tonight!” Letting your daughter come up with clever answers and maybe helping her with answers will help her have a real voice if she is ever asked for real.
Respect them so they know what respect looks like. We want our daughters to be respectful and the best way to teach them is to be respectful to them. Teaching them to see things from another person’s point of view can help foster a respect towards someone with a different personality. With respect comes kindness. Teach them how to be unjealous by being a good role model.
In an effort to raise our daughters in a “mean girl” society we have to instill a confidence in them using the tools above. It isn’t easy to spot a bully among girls because they don’t normally push and shove. They use words and rumors which makes them so much more dangerous on-line.
Hopefully your daughter can avoid, circumvent, or even disarm a “clique” whose main strategy in elementary school is to banish, spread rumors, belittle, and emotionally and/or physically bully their friends in order to control their social standing.
How to spot a “mean girl”
• They are jealous and want what others have and they display jealous behaviors to ruin the person they are envious of.
• They care too much about what others think. They make friends based on how it will look to others.
• They love to gossip and are always involved in girl drama. They are notorious for “whispering” and then laughing at the subject they have targeted.
• They will do anything to control their friends. This one makes me think of “Pretty Little Liars”.
• They belong to an exclusive group of friends who do almost everything together called a clique.
• Super focused on looks and fashion. They will often use looks and fashion to demean others.
Make visiting hours with your child a priority. Equip them with the commissary they will need. Have their back on the outside ready and willing to break into the prison if they need you to back them up. How they make friends in elementary school will dictate how successful their friendships will be well into adulthood.
Today is the day over a 1000 voices raise compassionate awareness on the topic of bullying. Click HERE to read what all those voices have to say! Building From Bullying… finding positive ways to inform, enlighten, and change. To join the movement you can:
Join 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion on Facebook
Visit the 1000Speak blog
Follow @1000Speak on Twitter
Use the #1000Speak hashtag across social media.
HASTYWORDS 
Excellent read and helpful advice, thank you for sharing this my friend.
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What a minefield it is to be a female in this world. Not only do we have to battle a male-dominated aystem, but it turns out, we have to battle each other as well. No wonder so many of us are in therapy before all is said and done. I did like your tips on talking to you daughter and I’m going to try some of them with our girls. Shared.
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I really like your comparison of school to prison… it really did seem that way to me some times. My own is not yet at that stage, but I’m catching a few tips for when she gets there. 🙂 Excellent idea the “what if game” is.
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It definitely felt like to me sometimes!
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I met a bunch of Mollie’s friends for the first time at her birthday party. It is all about picking the right friends. They will be with you for life if you do it right.
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I completely agree! 🙂
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well of course you do
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And say hi to Hastykid for me… going through my old posts for my new series I keep running into funny pictures of the two of you
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She will always remember you because of that!
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See, I would rather impress one kid than a whole continent full of adults.
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Well you did. Someday we will all meet…she and I insist!
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yay
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Super helpful advice, for sure. Especially the parts about how to practice positive interaction and decision making. I hadn’t thought of those types of reinforcements. Very useful indeed. Thank you!
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I had to employ a few of those these weekend….this boy crazy stuff is for the birds.
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Thanks so much for this thoughtful post and great advice and insight. My son is almost 11 and he’s had it pretty easy at school but my little girl is only 3 and I worry what her school experience will be like because I know girls can be so vicious (I was a victim of bullying by the mean girls). I will take these words with me when the time comes.
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It will come much faster than you are ready for it to
.
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Wonderful advice about REALLY showing your daughter the way, whether through open dialogue or by example. As the mom of a ten year old girl I really appreciate this post. We have to remain super involved even as we loosen the apron strings.
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It is a constant… never-ending focus 🙂
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Thank you for the advice. We want to protect them so badly, but we can’t be there every minute of every day.
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I thought raising my daughter in the 90’s was hard but I can’t imagine having to do it today with school AND the internet. It must be so hard.
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OH yes!!! It is ever changing and hard to really focus on any one part of the internet. You solve one thing and another thing pops up.
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Here, right here in this post. HOPE. And thankfulness. And happiness, because you’re getting it RIGHT.
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YAY 🙂
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I’m taking notes, Hasty – I think I said that already somewhere this week. This is just smart and compassionate parenting. We can’t possibly be there for them every second of the day. The best thing to do is arm these girls and future women with the tools they need to take care of themselves and to understand how to make choices. The lesson about all actions having consequences, no matter what kind, is an important one. All choices we make affect us and those around us. Period. We have always taught our daughter that and I think even though she’s still very young, she gets it. Yay!
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I can only pray and hope all the efforts points her to a place she can overcome all the traps so many kids fall into. (i include myself)
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I love your parenting style Hasty. And I love the way you express things with your daughter, the words you use. I tend to be too wordy(shock!) but you put it in such a meaningful, clear way.
One tip my pediatrician gave me that I thought was genius (this could be added to your role-playing) was to have a code phrase. (this is especially helpful if your kid can text you) So if my son is at a friend’s house and they are pressuring him to do something bad, he can text me “I left the cat outside.” We don’t have a cat, but I know that I need to swoop in and “rescue” him. Blame it on something that came up with the family, whatever. The whole point is that we would love for our kids to be able to say “No. That’s not cool” but the reality is kids won’t always be strong enough to do that. This way I can give him an easy out. The reason she suggested texting something innocuous is so that the other kids don’t see the text and call him out. I thought it was a pretty genius idea!
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I love love love this idea… I am so glad you shared and I will share it with my daughter before I forget. Like right now! xoxo
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Reblogged this on georgeforfun.
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Reblogged this on Her Headache and commented:
Happy first day of spring, Kindness, and…his and the post I wrote earlier today are to bring attention and awareness to bullying. #1000Speak
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Great perspectives, Hasty! I’ve used the What Ifs a lot in some “stranger danger” scenarios, but never thought about using it as a tool in so many other circumstances.
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Oh, I LOVE when you write these kinds of posts. The ones where you not only discuss a situation, but you provide possible answers.
You look for solutions, not just for problems. You’re part of the solution. I love both you and #HastyKid.
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WE LOVE YOU BACK!!!!
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Oh do I know this- my innocent little pony tail prisoner is in sixth grade… and this is spot on. Lets soldier on in this battlefield together, shall we?
So far, my girl has been amazing in it. I’m completely blown away at her integrity and ability to steer clear of the drama and the cliques and the- bullies. I’m SO grateful she is handling it so well!!! She is so strong, and she has her values and morals rooted deep within her and she isn’t wavering in the least… yet. Oh, how I pray she never does!!!
Thank you for this, Hasty. I love you.
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It is so crazy. My daughter handled a few things this weekend that made me very glad we talk often. She navigated a situation I wouldn’t have been able to when I was her age!!! So glad we parents have each other!
I love you!
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This is wonderful. xo
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You are wonderful!
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I absolutely love this post, Hasty and I couldn’t agree with you more! Arming our children with understanding and compassion by way of example and communication is definitely what needs to be done in homes around the world. I’m so very thankful that there are parents like you doing this – that you know what they need and that you take the time to ensure they have it. All too often, I see parents hustling around. They are driven and focused, but their complete attention is on their own careers, on the parties they’re planning, their purchases, etc. Their children are often low-priorities – they’re left to flounder and find their own way in life. Raising children to be good, decent human beings takes time and effort and thought and tremendous love. I’m so glad you included the point: don’t just direct or order them to do or not do something – talk to your children, take time to explain why. It can make all the difference in what kind of adult they become!
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Thank you for the helpful reminders! Our teenage daughters really do need us. However, sometimes it’s difficult to get them to confide in us.
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