YOUR KIND OF LOVE ENDED TRUST FOR ME

/ September 16, 2014

***trigger warning rape content***

 

Sometimes I don’t think about it at all and sometimes I can’t let it go.

This is to all my friends who don’t understand why I can’t feel their compliments.

Sometimes the beautiful words hurt and it isn’t your fault because you probably mean them.

I don’t FEEL or RELATE to beautiful words because I don’t trust them and that isn’t your fault either.

Tell me I’m not classy, that I don’t fit in, or that my hips are too wide or my butt is too big and I will believe you.

I will trust you, I will feel comfortable with you.

I can FEEL those words; I can RELATE to those words.

Why? 

Because sometimes rape hurts your mind more than your body…

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Your kind of love
Ended trust for me
Shattered it into
A sea of burnt out stars

You romanced me
Said I was beautiful
You loved my smile
Loved swimming in my eyes

I wanted the words you offered
Craved them in fact
They quenched that thirst
Born of young desire

Our first date
You didn’t touch me
You made me a picnic lunch
And opened the door for me

I was intoxicated, drunk
On feelings I rarely had
Butterflies swarmed
In the daydreams I had

The phone call came
You wanted to see me again
I felt like a clown
With my unending grin

We drove to the lake
Parked in fact
We talked a bit
A very little bit

Like in the movies
You reached for my face
Put your lips on mine
My knees went weak

So sweet at first
And the kiss deepened
Our tongues dance
Our hands explored

Your hands began feeling more
Places my hands rarely explored
New feelings surging wild
Fighting the fear that began to rise

Guiding my hands
You asked for things
The length of you
Hard behind your jeans

I started to worry about our pace
Your hands were bold
Out of bounds and in my space
Fingers strong, breath hard

Stop…..please I need to think
He scurried over on top of me
Kissed my neck whispering
It’s ok we’ll just kiss, as his hands

His hands start undressing me
I hold my jeans and said not yet
He said ok…you’re just so sexy
His mouth continues on my neck

So confused at how I felt
Wanting more but needing control
My hands had stopped
As he pulled a nipple from my bra

His face buried in my breasts
He undid his pants surprising me
Panic began to rise in me
As his hands reached for me

I just want to feel naked with you
I promise I won’t fuck you
I conceded my jeans as he felt
Well…

He pressed his dick against me
Once again panic surged through me
I stopped and pushed his shoulders
No!!! Seriously…I’m not ready for this

God you’re such a tease
A fucking bitch, my mind went numb
My hands restrained above my head
As he entered me, taking my virginity

He came on his shirt when he was done
Pulled up his pants and got off of me
He realized I was crying
What’s wrong? Shit happens!

I drove home……….crying
Vision blurred hoping to die
It was my fault, my choices
That led me to this night

I wanted love, the passion
The heated desire
But there was also no respect
Not from him not for myself

It wasn’t right, he was right
It was my fault he got so hot
I lead him on and deserved
What I got…..

I decided to never think of it again
To leave it boxed up in the attic of my mind
To take the blame and the shame
And take it as a lesson learned

It wasn’t until later, much later
I stopped blaming myself
It wasn’t until later, much later
I realized the scars it had left

 

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19 thoughts on “YOUR KIND OF LOVE ENDED TRUST FOR ME”

  1. I’m breathless with sorrow over your experience. And in awe of the woman that keeps moving forward. I know compliments bounce off, perhaps someday one will make it through. I just know that you are an amazing woman, talented, wise and finding your site has opened my soul to a new level of experiencing life.

    Annie B ❤

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  2. Oh dear Hasty. It is so very brave of you to share this, especially during this time of more discussion of sexual abuse. Thank you for highlighting this important issue.

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  7. It’s so sad to read this but you can really see your poetic power shining through in this piece. It is a shame that your first experience went down this way but you have come so far now and achieved so much that the past no longer matters. This is an epic poem and I hope it is cathartic every time you look at it, I’m sure that it moves others with your strength, courage and fortitude of character. I’m still in awe of everything that you write and will continue to for the forseeable future!

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  9. “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride” – there are SO many hurts I wish I could undo for the people i love.

    *sigh*

    Powerfully and compellingly written, Sunset. You’re a brave and awesome person, and wonderful right through to the very middlest middle of your soul.

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  10. That IS brave. And so positive to share because these things need to be talked about. It has provoked so many thoughts that I don’t know where to start and I’m still re-reading it. And that inner anguish I feel that some people are capable of such selfish actions that can affect so many lives so deeply. They touch everyone around them one way or another.
    You’ve captured so much in this and delivered it so effectively.

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  14. Catching up on my reading, I also checked out the older post. So that one struck a little bit too close to home, although my expierence was not how to put it so extreeme, since i did eventually say yes…. still …. (hugs) I’m here for you if you wanna cry together.

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  15. Oh. This hurts. For you, for me, for everyone I know who went through this. For anyone who loves someone who went through this.
    Together, we’re stronger. I promise. xoxoxoxo

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