A few days ago Le Clown asked me to guest post on his Black Box Warnings blog. If you haven’t visited this blog I would highly recommend it. “Black Box Warnings is a collective of bloggers who share their personal stories about mental and physical health, parenting, daily tribulations, and life’s little moments. An on-line community built around support, respect, and compassion.”
I read every single post and am beyond honored to have been asked to write for it. Honored and nervous because I don’t write articles or posts where I have to sit down and really think about what I want to convey. I was asked to write a serious piece so that is what I did. You can read about how my mind betrayed me and how it nearly killed me here.
Writing the above post was hard for me, not because it was emotionally draining, but because there was so much I wanted to write about. Chronic Anxiety and Depression isn’t something people can really understand unless they live it. To an outsider you look weak…. Why don’t you just suck it up and live in the moment. You have everything so why are whining about your life? Why are you crying about something someone said? Why do you care what others think? Why are you so worried about something so ridiculous? On and on and on.
Once I was diagnosed I started a new medication for anxiety and depression and started trying to trouble shoot my triggers. I called this phase of therapy “hunting for ghosts”. I was surprised at all the little trauma’s I let hide inside my brain that I just packed away and moved on. That is what strength is right? Don’t burden anyone else and just bury it and move on. I told myself, in every situation, people are going through worse everyday…this is nothing…be grateful for the life you have. And I was!
Well the brain likes to file these things away and they are flagged with triggers. It doesn’t ask you for permission to do this it just does it. So in my case, someone tells me that I have beautiful eyes and that I am pretty and I immediately wonder what they are up too. I don’t trust what they are saying because of my experience with someone who used pretty words to eventually abuse me. That story is here. I buried it 20 years ago but seemingly it haunts my emotional reactions everyday.
In my guest post I write about how all the ghosts decided to attack me…currently I am hunting these ghosts and exorcising them. I am summarizing a few posts below as sort of an attachment to the story I wrote for Black Box Warnings. These are the posts I wrote right after contemplating suicide:
Don’t underestimate how a situation affected you…deal with them honestly. Don’t give up on the future because it has a way of surprising you. Actively hunt for ghosts and don’t let them haunt you!